Nevertheless, She Persisted

God’s promises are such fun to read and share on social media until He brings you to a place where you must do more than reading and sharing. A place where His promises will be your only lifeline – and you will spiral down if you don’t hold tight. A place of desperately yearning and brokenly waiting for Him to come and meet you where you are.

That’s where I’m at right now: Desperate. Yearning. Frustrated. Angry.

God said in Jeremiah 29:11 that He knows the plan He has for me, plans to give me a hope and a future. As much as I have quoted this verse on many occasions, I forgot the essence of the first two words: He knows.

I don’t.

I was so expectant this 2020. In February, I finished CTEL, the last exam I had to take. I was so ready for the next step. I was confident on that exam because it was relatively easy compared to CBEST (Math, Reading, Writing) and CSET (all major courses). This was about pedagogy, multicultural, and assessment. I prayed and prayed because I started having the desire to teach in a public school. I’ve been seeing confirmations of the Holy Spirit as well. I was excited.

In May, I am supposed to come back to my home country, Philippines. I chatted with all my friends and started planning for all the places we will meet and visit. My supposed to be three weeks stay in there is already packed: Bicol, Hotel, Tagaytay, Makati Avenue, Baler. I postured my heart in the idea that I needed familiar people so I can be okay again. I have to be with my support group. I was excited.

In June, I will go to Guatemala for my first ever mission trip with CRM. I started doing WOE Poetry Shop where I sell poems to help me raise funds. This kind of trusting was new to me – I like to believe that I am a self-sufficient person. I am having a hard time depending on other people in the area of finances (especially if they are not my immediate family). But this was one was a different journey with God. I was excited.

However, this excitement turned into a downward spiral loop of emptiness and anger. I failed my CTEL examination (three subtests and I only passed one). My trips to the Philippines and Guatemala were cancelled due to the COVID-19 crisis. I felt trapped – like I can’t move forward with my plans. Everything went south in month of March.

Oops. Did I say my plans?

I received my examination results on March 4^th. I only passed the second subtest, the first and the third I failed. I had to wait for 45 days to retake them. That night was the first day of our Identity Class and I was one of the facilitators. I opened the e-mail literally five minutes before we broke into small groups. I told myself this was not the time to process that failure. I had to be okay for the class. For the group.

Then shelter-in-place happened, and it was a shock to all. I got busy with work and I thought I was fine because I was part of the team who helps a lot of people. It was okay. I thought it was okay. I thought I was okay.

I forgot one thing, however: I forgot to grieve my failure. I forgot to process what was happening inside of me when all those plans got cancelled. I forgot to surrender those things to God. I thought working for Him would be enough for those negative emotions to go away and leave me be. I forgot that, as His daughter, I needed to work with Him – not just for Him.

It was until I found myself consumed by anger and frustration that I had to pause. I had never felt so angry before. At little things, at random times, at all people. It was so toxic. I was so toxic.

I struggled to physically breathe; I struggled to sleep though I haven’t drunk coffee in five months. Finding out that it’s not coffee anymore that destroys my sleep time was terrifying. It posited a greater problem for me. That’s where I admitted that there was something wrong. I needed to go back to the secret place. With Him.

The anger and frustration blocked a Godly perspective I needed. It was harder to pray and to stay focused. It was easier to partner with what I feel than to stand firm on the truths of the promises of God. I needed somebody to process with me and speak life to my heart.

I cried with one of my best friends, Daryl, when I told her about my failure and how it changed the timeline that I was chasing after. I sought help from Pastor Ruby too because my anger was like a fire consuming me – wrong move and I can burn and hurt the very people I love.

When Pastor Ruby and I talked on April 13^th, she reminded me that anger is a secondary feeling. Stephanie Tucker, the author of The Christian Codependence – the book we are using for Identity Class, defined anger as a defensive emotion. It is a form of preservation. We experience anger when our own sense of worth is threatened; when we feel ignored and abandoned; when we feel powerless and rejected.

I felt powerless to change my circumstance. I cannot control my test results. I felt rejected when all that excite me this year got cancelled. Being angry was a lot easier than to deal and dig deeper with what really was happening inside of me.

Sometimes, I am amazed at how the enemy works. I am amazed at how he could use my emotions against me. Partnering with his despicable voice is like me walking on a cliff with my eyes willingly closed. Convincing myself that I was flying as I fall to my death. Then when I get hurt, I’ll blame God.

But I praise God, my Lord. He has grace for me when I felt angry and frustrated – I still am as I write these things. He is not overwhelmed the way I was. He honors those emotions. But I praise Him even more because He is challenging me to not stay on these places. This is the part when God taught me that if I partner with my emotions, I will be just as unstable as the waves, tossed here and there by the winds. I needed to go back to my secret place – where I can find my rock and reestablish my ground.

He also showed me that this is an opportunity to trust Him even more, to strengthen my faith and exercise my walk with Him. It was so easy for me to say I trust You, Lord until I really have to trust Him in the areas of not knowing. I don’t know what’s next for me. I feel like I’m running out of time. But He showed a powerful lesson and allowed me to understand who He is as my God. I can have all my plans but He is the one who establishes my steps (Proverbs 16:9). And with Him, it will always be bigger and better that what I have thought or imagined (Ephesians 3:20).

As I close my session that day with Auntie Ruby, she challenged me to find a theme that God has for me this year. She said that it will be the foundations of how God will speak to me. I remembered last year – even before I realized I was prophesying over myself when I posted on my Instagram “a season to grow” – was really a season of spiritual growth for me. I unlearned unhealthy habits that hampered my walk with God and relearned healthy boundaries so I can be more intimate with Him.

This year, as I try to decipher what could be God’s theme for me, I saw my journal notebook. I decided to get a journal instead of a planner. My journal’s cover page was a beautiful calligraphy of the words: NEVERTHELESS, SHE PERSISTED.

It was then that I knew this was God’s theme: PERSEVERANCE. Merriam-Webster Dictionary described this as a continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition.

The realization of that prophecy for me this year broke me into pieces. With it came my anger that shattered into fragments. It was so heart-breaking to understand that I am not alone; that I am not abandoned; that the creator of the universe, of heaven and earth, believed in me. That amidst this emotional turmoil and global pandemic, I will persist and persevere because I trusted in Him – in His plans, in His timeline, in His will.

He knows the plans that He has for me.

He knows. And that should be enough for me to claim back the peace that transcends my understanding, to have the strength to choose joy that is not based on my circumstance. He makes everything so so good for those who love Him, for those who have been called according to His purpose.

The beginning of the year was hard. Lots of beautiful plans are thwarted. I am struggling emotionally and it’s a tough fight. Standing firm on God’s truth is so difficult. And who knows what else 2020 could bring. Nevertheless, I will persist. I will persevere. In Jesus’ mighty name.